Who doesn’t love The Onion’s headlines? Certainly not me. So I decided to write a few of my own. In keeping with The Onion’s style, some are a bit crass, but I hope such doesn’t take away from any humor you might find in my attempts. Enjoy!
Oh, and the reason several involve Star Trek is because I wrote them during a TNG binge.
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Plummeting education budget bumps ‘ABC’s’ from curriculum
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Family’s late-sleeper becomes morning champion in vacation time change
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Religious couple develops pro-choice stance after fifth child
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New FCC rule allows all sex images on TV as long as nipple hidden
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Police shoot first, shoot later, too, study finds
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Groom confuses bride, twin sister at wedding
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Cat plans revenge against owner after too many Lion King holds
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Charity begs Kanye West to not play for it on Celebrity Jeopardy!
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Woman unsure of which business to use after reading all negative reviews online
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Area professor couple has five kids, one surprisingly attractive
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Area woman gets another week out of broken flip-flops
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Local man creates own diabetes medicine, dies from diabetes
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Study: Most Americans don’t know Sonny Bono was a congressman — or musician
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Five seconds of rearranging not worth hour of discomfort on bed, local unemployed man concludes
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New zoo director of Jurassic Park swears fences strong enough this time
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Workers at local car shop place bets on how many parts they can make up in a day
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Two more characters die as protagonist pauses, observes, smiles before enacting solution
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Teen’s Google search of “what is taylor swift’s best song?” garners no results
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Most of America ‘doesn’t know what’s going on’ with printer, study says
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New York Times readies own obituary
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Blake, evil brother of Jake from State Farm, tells caller’s wife he’s a prostitute
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Mexico builds moat instead: ‘It’s more effective in keeping Americans out,’ the country’s president said
Star Trek
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Data updates Facebook status to ‘In a Complicated Relationship with the Crystalline Entity’
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Area man regrets ‘Patrick Stewart is Sexxxy’ Facebook post from last night
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Universe’s aliens are just humans with terminal forehead skin conditions, study finds
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Data’s quest to be human costs millions in ship repairs, wrongful-death lawsuits
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10-Forward voted best spot to watch Enterprise’s battles: “Wow we’re being shot at. How pretty,” crewmate declares
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Lost Star Trek TNG episode reveals whole series a holodeck simulation
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Writer’s block during Star Trek led to overuse of filler phrase ‘sub-space,’ LeVar Burton admits
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Star Trek franchise top Hollywood employer of bald men
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