Saturday, July 20, 2024
Michael Stone Online

30 Onion Headlines: Family’s Late-Sleeper Becomes Morning Champion in Vacation Time Change

Who doesn’t love The Onion’s headlines? Certainly not me. So I decided to write a few of my own. In keeping with The Onion’s style, some are a bit crass, but I hope such doesn’t take away from any humor you might find in my attempts. Enjoy!

Oh, and the reason several involve Star Trek is because I wrote them during a TNG binge. 

  1. Plummeting education budget bumps ‘ABC’s’ from curriculum

  1. Family’s late-sleeper becomes morning champion in vacation time change

  1. Religious couple develops pro-choice stance after fifth child

  1. New FCC rule allows all sex images on TV as long as nipple hidden

  1. Police shoot first, shoot later, too, study finds

  1. Groom confuses bride, twin sister at wedding

  1. Cat plans revenge against owner after too many Lion King holds

  1. Charity begs Kanye West to not play for it on Celebrity Jeopardy!

  1. Woman unsure of which business to use after reading all negative reviews online

  1. Area professor couple has five kids, one surprisingly attractive

  1. Area woman gets another week out of broken flip-flops

  1. Local man creates own diabetes medicine, dies from diabetes

  1. Study: Most Americans don’t know Sonny Bono was a congressman — or musician

  1. Five seconds of rearranging not worth hour of discomfort on bed, local unemployed man concludes

  1. New zoo director of Jurassic Park swears fences strong enough this time

  1. Workers at local car shop place bets on how many parts they can make up in a day

  1. Two more characters die as protagonist pauses, observes, smiles before enacting solution

  1. Teen’s Google search of “what is taylor swift’s best song?” garners no results

  1. Most of America ‘doesn’t know what’s going on’ with printer, study says

  2. New York Times readies own obituary

  3. Blake, evil brother of Jake from State Farm, tells caller’s wife he’s a prostitute

  4. Mexico builds moat instead: ‘It’s more effective in keeping Americans out,’ the country’s president said

    Star Trek

  5. Data updates Facebook status to ‘In a Complicated Relationship with the Crystalline Entity’

  6. Area man regrets ‘Patrick Stewart is Sexxxy’ Facebook post from last night

  7. Universe’s aliens are just humans with terminal forehead skin conditions, study finds

  8. Data’s quest to be human costs millions in ship repairs, wrongful-death lawsuits

  9. 10-Forward voted best spot to watch Enterprise’s battles: “Wow we’re being shot at. How pretty,” crewmate declares

  10. Lost Star Trek TNG episode reveals whole series a holodeck simulation

  11. Writer’s block during Star Trek led to overuse of filler phrase ‘sub-space,’ LeVar Burton admits

  12. Star Trek franchise top Hollywood employer of bald men

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