Who doesn’t love The Onion’s headlines? Certainly not me.
So I wrote 30 more to add to these. In keeping with The Onion’s style, some are a bit adult, but one thing to keep in mind: They aren’t meant to be anything other than humor. So enjoy!
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History Channel announces ‘Pawn Stars’ marathon for all of 2017
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Unemployment for indoor gardeners skyrockets as U.S. legalizes weed
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Donald Trump pulls off mask to reveal Andy Kauffman
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Mac pinwheel of doom leading cause of PTSD among Millennials
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World would rather see ‘roided-out Olympics, survey says
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Area man admits there’s no way he could’ve picked up all his crumbs
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Last thing on Earth not all about the money becomes all about the money
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Area man finally gets sympathy laugh after fifth time repeating clichéd joke
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Good-movie drought forces Academy to re-nominate movies from 1994
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Glass of wine equivalent of going to gym tipsy, study finds
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Local man finally admits leering one of his favorite pastimes
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Area middle school teacher goes on sabbatical to learn how to read
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People actually mean to open iTunes only 1 out of 50 times, survey finds
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Glitzy sorority promo actually secret communist recruitment video
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Area woman dismayed at realization that one of Grandma’s meals could feed dozens of third-world children
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Crab with uneven claws fears back problems: ‘Why is this one so damn big?’
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Apple dog collar biggest seller since Apple insole
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Best Buy worker tired of hearing moms telling kids, ‘If you keep acting up, you’ll end up working here’
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Jam band’s guitarist says he hates well-dressed white guy air drumming in front row more than anyone else in world
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Antarctica grudgingly accepts bid for 2020 Olympic Games
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Moderately fit man takes time between sets to ponder why he’s at gym
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Bachelor who’ll eat anything finally admits meal he made is gross
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Eight-place finisher leaves other swimmers warm present
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Textbooks man going to sell still sitting there 7 years later
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Smiling uncle doesn’t take hint to leave family house after hurricane dissipates
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Football fan shows all 53 human emotions in final seconds of game
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Statue of Liberty hosts party to celebrate her 100th death in action films
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New York Times’ website compromises and begs for just a quarter
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Cracker-less man turns to fingers to get hummus to mouth
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Local woman finally gets ‘Full House’ innuendo decade after her childhood