30 Onion Headlines: Area Man Finally Gets Sympathy Laugh After Fifth Time Repeating Clichéd Joke

Who doesn’t love The Onion’s headlines? Certainly not me.

So I wrote 30 more to add to these. In keeping with The Onion’s style, some are a bit adult, but one thing to keep in mind: They aren’t meant to be anything other than humor. So enjoy!

1. History Channel announces ‘Pawn Stars’ marathon for all of 2017

2. Unemployment for indoor gardeners skyrockets as U.S. legalizes weed

3. Donald Trump pulls off mask to reveal Andy Kauffman

4. Mac pinwheel of doom leading cause of PTSD among Millennials

5. World would rather see ‘roided-out Olympics, survey says

6. Area man admits there’s no way he could’ve picked up all his crumbs

7. Last thing on Earth not all about the money becomes all about the money

8. Area man finally gets sympathy laugh after fifth time repeating clichéd joke

9. Good-movie drought forces Academy to re-nominate movies from 1994

10. Glass of wine equivalent of going to gym tipsy, study finds

11. Local man finally admits leering one of his favorite pastimes

12. Area middle school teacher goes on sabbatical to learn how to read

13. People actually mean to open iTunes only 1 out of 50 times, survey finds

14. Glitzy sorority promo actually secret communist recruitment video

15. Area woman dismayed at realization that one of Grandma’s meals could feed dozens of third-world children

16. Crab with uneven claws fears back problems: ‘Why is this one so damn big?’

17. Apple dog collar biggest seller since Apple insole

18. Best Buy worker tired of hearing moms telling kids, ‘If you keep acting up, you’ll end up working here’

19. Jam band’s guitarist says he hates well-dressed white guy air drumming in front row more than anyone else in world

20. Antarctica grudgingly accepts bid for 2020 Olympic Games

21. Moderately fit man takes time between sets to ponder why he’s at gym

22. Bachelor who’ll eat anything finally admits meal he made is gross

23. Eight-place finisher leaves other swimmers warm present

24. Textbooks man going to sell still sitting there 7 years later

25. Smiling uncle doesn’t take hint to leave family house after hurricane dissipates

26. Football fan shows all 53 human emotions in final seconds of game

27. Statue of Liberty hosts party to celebrate her 100th death in action films

28. New York Times’ website compromises and begs for just a quarter

29. Cracker-less man turns to fingers to get hummus to mouth

30. Local woman finally gets ‘Full House’ innuendo decade after her childhood